Sometimes I don’t know. 

Sometimes I feel like I’m the most hopeful girl in the world then sometimes I feel like I’m the most hopeless. 

Sometimes I feel like the prettiest girl ever and sometimes I sit crying because I feel like I’m not pretty enough…

… and it hurts. 

Relief, I wish. 

It’s like you can know a person your entire life and they can mean the world to you but you still can’t give them your everything. 

You want to, you really want to. You want to feel this relief that this person, you can trust with everything but you can’t. 

It’s like something is keeping you back from that but it’s not about you, it’s something about them. 

It’s like they still have this connection with this “person” or “thing.”

Whether it be through family, friends, little things that probably meant the world to them from this person, the moment, pictures. Everything. 

 It’s still there . It’s not completely removed 

…and I wish it was. 

Everything 

I feel like a disappointment, a problem; your problem. I feel lost. I stress you out but I love you and I don’t know how to make you happy again. I keep making what you felt like before slip away and it is my fault, there isn’t anyone else to blame. I’m trying my best, all I want is for you to be happy. Happy with me. With us. I don’t feel like home anymore to you, we’re just distant now. It feels like I’m being strangled in an almost deadly cold room. Nothing that is happening is your fault, it’s never your fault. It feels so hard to do this. I’m always so full of hope but as of lately it’s just dwindling. I don’t know how to do this right now and in times like this, I honestly think you’d be better off without me. I feel heartbroken just saying that. The thing is, you do make me happy, you’re like that little light in my life that’s still there, that I can see. If that ever goes out, I don’t know what I’ll do. Please forgive me for being this way, for being this person; a complicated person. 

You mean everything to me. 

The Woods.

House

When I was younger, sometimes even now, I wished I lived in a little house which was next to the woods. You know? Away from all the noise, the cars, technology, the huge buildings and the polluted smell in the air. Maybe that’s why I love the beach so much, the sun, the salty air, the little and big sea creature, shells and the sand between your toes. It makes you feel alive. It makes me feel alive. Now back to the little house next to the woods.
This isn’t from experience. Honestly, I wish it was. I wish I did live in that little house. Yes, of course I love where I live but this is one of those “if you had a choice to live anywhere else, where would it be?” This is where I would choose.

I mean think about it, a place so quiet that it becomes eerie. Yeah it is a little creepy thinking about the few “horror movies” I saw like this. A house all alone next to the woods. There’s something lurking and watching. You can feel it. You hear something. You and your stupid self goes flashing a light into the woods. You see it, it sees you. The blood shed eventually happens. You either die or survive. OR maybe it can be like that movie Hush. Well, maybe that’s just movies but that’s what I meant by creepy.

Let’s start over. It can also be peaceful. Imagine sitting on the steps of that little house at about 6:09 a.m. You just sit there, with your tea, your coffee, whatever beverage you like drinking in the morning. Your back is leaned against the railings, your feet are up, all you can literally hear is the chirping of birds. When you look at the woods you see the sun peaking through the branches of the tree trying to wake up the animals in the forest. You sip your morning beverage and you just take in the scenery.

This thought alone. It makes me so happy, It makes me feel alive.

You close your eyes. Listening. Maybe there can be a stream nearby. You hear the rushing of the water. You take a deep breath. The air is fresh. It feels so clean, crisp. You just want to sit here forever. The sun starts rising and you start seeing movement, of squirrels, bird, rabbits.

You put down your cup and you start walking towards the woods. You stand in front of the trees. You can’t even see the top because it’s so tall and the sun is now shining down on you. You run under one of the trees for shade. The branches are so huge and flared and you start thinking how beautiful nature really is.

Sitting under this tree now you think about staying there forever, about living the rest of your life there until death.

This is just one of many thoughts that keeps me going. That maybe I can have one day. Maybe not to live, but at least experience.

This is one of my favorite thoughts.
It’s unfiltered and beautiful.

I felt my lungs inflate with the onrush of scenery—air, mountains, trees, people. I thought, “This is what it is to be happy.”